The most underwhelming movie I’ve watched in a long time. Three martinis, no doubt. However, I’ve decided a 3-martini rating is actually the worst score I can give a movie. Hear me out — you’ll recall I’ve never actually given a 1-martini, since that’s reserved for movies so bad I literally cannot finish them (I believe this is actually a stronger stance than I outlined previously). I don’t quit (despite what the long gaps between reviews might suggest), so the movies that are bad but still semi-sufferable get 2 martinis. At least these movies are memorable for being utterly stupid.
But a 3-martini rating means a movie is so mediocre as to be entirely forgettable. When I was considering giving this a 3-martini rating, I asked, “Hmm, am I being too harsh?” So I looked at my other 3-martini rated movies. Even re-reading the reviews hardly helped jog my memory, and I anticipate I’ll have a similar memory of this movie in about 72 hours.
There’s way too much going on in TWINE. I’m going to be a bit reductionist here and say that if you try to build a really complicated plot into a James Bond movie, yer doin’ it wrong. There’s a reason this Wikipedia page exists. I had difficulty getting several things straight in this movie, and sort of stopped giving a shit about it after the first third. And after Michelle Yeoh’s A-M-A-Z-I-N-G turn as a Bond girl in the last movie, Denise Richards’ role was… well, to be diplomatic, WTF?
Plot in twenty words or less: There’s an excellent boat chase scene. Then someone tries to mess with a potential oil pipeline.
How it’s aged: Oil pipelines through former Soviet territories — seems pretty contemporary to me considering Putin’s shenanigans.
Something that was just weird and/or WTF y’all: Desmond Llewellyn had the weirdest, somber “Goodbye” of all time I’m going to miss him, and I thought he deserved to go out with more of a flourish (and then there’s this sad ending)
Obligatory feminist commentary: Lots to choose from here. Bond’s X-ray glasses = literally the male gaze & TSA! Renard comments about raping Elektra while she was being held captive and “breaking her in.” The scene with M and Elektra still fails the Bechdel test because they’re talking about 007. And then there is that weird sadomasochism thing Elekra does to 007 on the garrote he’s shackled to — reminiscent of Xenia from GoldenEye.
Completely hypothetical cultural reference points: Dr Christmas Jones’ outfit was straight-up inspired by mid-90s Lara Croft, right y’all?
Superficial Thing that did not Amuse Me: When Bond was cuffed to the garrote, wasn’t he cuffed by both hands? The guy only shot off one cuff, Bond managed to undo the neck lock, and then he was…free? What about the other cuff?
Superficial Thing that highly Amused Me: John Cleese: “Premature form of the Millennium bug!” I look forward to how we’re going to have to explain the Y2K paranoia into the future…
Also, loved seeing the “MI6 Research Archive” at the top of the computer screen when Bond was looking up information. Digital archives, onward! I want to know if means the OAIS specification…
Interesting and possibly dubious thing I learned from Wikipedia: Peter Jackson was almost the director.
Administrative information concerning this viewing:
Drinks consumed: N/A
Food eaten: N/A
Viewed on: September 21, 2014
Viewing Partner: Fiance and Cat