Author Archives: Eira

I bet you thought I had totally checked out from this project, huh? Truth be told, life has been a little crazy lately, and the increasing monotony of Roger Moore hasn’t helped inspire me to crank out this last review (and I should make it clear that Roger Moore is easily my 2nd favorite Bond after Daniel Craig). Plus, baseball season has started and, you know, priorities.

I actually watched A View to a Kill several weeks ago, and never got around to writing the review. So I watched it a second time to finally get it over with. I’m ready for a change, though I’m not sure if Timothy Dalton is the one I’m looking for.

Plot in twenty words or less: The Soviets are totally going to destroy Silicon Valley. Also they have the technology for a crazy microchip.

How it’s aged: Yeah, this is very obviously from the 1980s, but at least there are far fewer cringeworthy retrograde moments of prejudice. Bond’s still going skiing, and the credits have some ridiculous blacklight makeup going on. On the other hand, we get 80s icon Grace Jones as Mayday who literally and metaphorically kicks several categories of ass.

Something that was just weird and/or WTF y’all: Leave it to the Brits to find any excuse to make fun of the French. Their most prominent pot shot was the French taxi driver getting his wine on behind the wheel while idling outside the Eiffel Tower.

Obligatory feminist commentary: Alright, we had 3 fairly distinct ladies to work with here, all of whom represent distinct and well-established lady archetypes in the Bond cannon. Moneypenny is just getting tragically frumpy. Mayday as the villain lady is amazing, but in true Bond-ian fashion, is betrayed by the guy she should have never trusted, and saved by 007 at her moment of vulnerability. Sutton, Bond girl, becomes Bond’s sexy sidekick and partner in adventures, but also is ultimately rescued by him during a MAJOR SCENE.

Completely hypothetical cultural reference points: Moneypenny at the horse races almost has an Eliza Doolittle moment.

Superficial Thing that did not Amuse Me: The Beach Boys track during the skiing scene was so cheeseball I actually got sort of mad and wanted to just skip the next two Bonds and go straight to Daniel Craig.

Superficial Thing that highly Amused Me: I loved how in the beginning of the movie, Christopher Walken was trying not to be Christopher Walken. But by the end of the movie, he turned back into Christopher Walken. Also, product placement started getting ridiculous a few movies ago, but there’s something really special about making a molotov cocktail out of a giant handle of Bacardi.

Interesting and possibly dubious thing I learned from Wikipedia: Christopher Walken was the third choice for Zorin — after David Bowie (!!!) and Sting.

Martini rating: Four martinis

Administrative information concerning this viewing:
Drinks consumed: Mt Carmel Springtime Ale
Food eaten: The spinach and strawberry salad leftovers from dinner at Mom’s
Viewed on: April 13, 2014
Viewing Partner: Just me and The Cat

Those of you keeping score at home may have noticed I haven’t yet given a 1-martini rating to a Bond movie. This is because long ago I decided that a 1 would be reserved for movies so bad I had to talk myself down from grabbing the remote and turning the movie off. I came pretty close to that state with Octopussy, but I’m a trooper and quitting isn’t an option when it comes to All the Bonds. We watched this movie on New Years Eve, so every time I was like “OH MY GOD THIS IS SO, SO BAD” I just drank more champagne. I’d like to say that helped make it more amusing, but it really didn’t.

Plot in twenty words or less: The Commies are trying to expand via manipulating the art market and duping jewelry smugglers into running bombs.

How it’s aged: Really, really bad, y’all. It’s not just the vaguely Cuban military dudes and the divided Germany – after all, the Commies have been a mainstay of many great Bond movies. No, this movie just kept getting worse and worse – from having not one, but two 00-agents dress up as clowns, to the Zzzzzzzzz opening credits to the awful Tarzan-yell Bond let out while swinging through the forest. It wasn’t that this movie was dialing it in – Diamonds are Forever is Exhibit A for Bond-franchise laziness. No, it’s because I’m pretty sure Octopussy was written by a 4th grader. Fiance claimed it reminded him of Axe Cop, in terms of improbable storytelling. The scene where Bond fiddles with a camera in Q’s lab to zoom in on some lady’s cleavage? Very much not like Bond. And it’s sort of where you hear a whoopee cushion go off in the distance, and any remaining class this movie had is just gone like a Faberge egg from the Kremlin Art Repository.

Something that was just weird and/or WTF y’all: I touched on several ingredients in this movie’s WTF soup already, but can we talk about the OMG WTF BBQ-levels of really awful colonialism and racist stereotyping in this movie? The Indian market scene (fire eaters! sword swallowers! dudes laying on a bed of nails!) would have been bad in a black and white silent film of The Olden Days, but at least it would have been, uh, of its time in terms of cultural sensitivity. Octopussy, on the other hand, was made in 1983. 1983!!!! Seriously, come on. Every time I think Bond takes a huge leap forward in portrayals of other cultures, we get a big giant one-way ticket to embarrassing land of clueless white privilege.

Obligatory feminist commentary: It’s hard not to begin counting the similarities between Octopussy and Pussy Galore. Pussy Galore is one of my favorite Bond girls, so I felt sort of bad that Octopussy left me feeling bored. I think she and I got off on a bad start with her hideously not-real tattoo and her cooing “That’s my octopussy.” Ugh. Like Pussy Galore, Octopussy has this totally awesome company of fightin’ ladies. And Octopussy had a circus – like Pussy Galore’s Flying Circus.

Completely hypothetical cultural reference points: Sorry guys, I was too busy hating this movie to tease out any meaningful cultural references.

Superficial Thing that did not Amuse Me: Pretty much everything. Y’all want me to tell you how I really feel about this movie?

Superficial Thing that highly Amused Me: The tour boat in one scene had a banner that said Cincinnati Moose Lodge 113. I’m from Cincinnati, so that was pretty awesome.

Interesting and possibly dubious thing I learned from Wikipedia: I typically source interesting tidbits for this category from the Production and Filming section of each Bond movie Wikipedia page. I typically have a hard time narrowing down the coolest factoid from these sections. But the Wikipedia page for this movie is one of the dullest I’ve ever seen, which should tell you something. The most interesting thing I could find was that Faye Dunaway was considered for the part of Octopussy.

Martini rating: Two martinis
Administrative information concerning this viewing:
Drinks consumed: Champagne
Food eaten: Fancy cheese and fig preserves with crackers, spiced nuts
Viewed on: December 31, 2013
Viewing Partner: Fiance, Cat

Sorry for the delayed review y’all! Lots of things happening in my life lately, all good. I moved several hundred miles back north to my hometown to take a fantastic new job, Boyfriend and I are now Fiance and Fiancee (when we watched this movie, he was not yet Fiance, so that’s why you’ll see him as Boyfriend in the review), and I am getting used to scraping ice off my car once again.

Many thanks go out to my buddies Dominic and Sasha who have been faithful companions for Bond Sundays. I will dearly miss having them over for Sunday viewings, since they always contributed lots of interesting observations that frequently worked their way into these reviews.

For Your Eyes Only is definitely one of my favorite Roger Moore films yet. I think Melina has skyrocketed into my very favorite Bond girls. There are great landscape scenes of snowy mountains, and of that crazy rock monastery. M isn’t around since Bernard Lee sadly passed before filming his scenes, but my beloved Desmond Llewellyn as Q is still as adorably cranky as ever, and Moneypenny busts out this awesome filing cabinet vanity at one point (something I need to investigate installing in my new office).

There is a random chase scene at the beginning involving the white cat and someone who appears to be Blofeld (whose real identity was left vague due to legal reasons), with no seeming connection to the rest of the movie. But it’s so great that it kind of doesn’t matter – Boyfriend declared it his favorite opening of a Bond movie thus far. Also, I think this might be the first movie in which Bond’s cover company, Universal Exports appears. In addition, by having Bond visit the cemetery grace of Teresa Bond (d. 1969) it’s the second Roger Moore movie that adds on to the continuation story that started with Bond’s marriage in OHMSS.

Plot in twenty words or less: If Bond doesn’t recover a missile tracking system before the Soviets do, things are gonna get real bad.

How it’s aged: Fairly well despite the OMG SOVIETS!! One thing that’s fascinating about James Bond movies is to see what was the aspirational technology of the time. Sometimes I think there is a greater inclination to point and laugh at more recent aspirational technology than earlier aspirational technology. I’d say this dividing line is at the widespread development of microcomputing. It’s pretty easy to laugh at a dot matrix printer (see: the Identigraph in this movie) being the height of technology in the 1980s, because even Gen-Y folks like myself remember dot matrix printers. But if you haven’t experienced the 1960s but know a bit about technology, you can contextualize it a bit more and be like, “Okay, I get why the laser was such a BFD in Goldfinger.”

Although it’s aged fairly well, this is still obviously a movie straight out of the 80s. Everyone in our merry band of Bond-watchers noticed that the theme song, camera angle, film coloration, and especially the chase scenes were very similar to other 1980s movies.

Something that was just weird and/or WTF y’all: So, chase scenes on beautiful ski slopes is obviously becoming a Thing for Bond movies. This is now the third movie (assuming my counting is correct, I might be wrong – you’d think I’d remember the details of these movies better, but you’d be wrong, the others were OHMSS and TSWLM) featuring epic wintry chase scenes. I kind of dig it (especially when you learn that the same cameraman/professional skier was behind much of the work), but tragedy also struck this time, because one of the stuntmen died in the bobsled filming process. Next time we have a winter chase scene, I hope it’s changed up through some curling or Bond landing a triple salchow.

Obligatory feminist commentary: Oh (wo)man, what a study in contrasts between Melina and Bibi, eh? Melina is smart, gorgeous, and cool under pressure. Also, she wears a great dress with deep pockets, and when I’m ruler of the world, one of my first acts will be to require that all women’s dresses be made with real pockets. Bibi veers wildly around a disturbingly young Madonna-Whore axis, and seems more like a confused (and almost certainly exploited) little girl than A Real Woman. Her relationship with the trainer was intriguing – I thought they could have explored that more (or maybe I just really want to see a Bond movie pass the Bechdel test) and the fact that they didn’t was a missed opportunity.

One of the best scenes with Bibi is when she tells Bond she’s not a virgin, and he tells her to put on her clothes and he’ll buy her an ice cream…. it’s delivered so dryly because the whole setup is so absurd. This lines up with Bond’s other dalliances – we very rarely see him with extremely young and naive women, but usually with women who clearly have been with other men (or sometimes, other women).

Also, Bibi is slapped at some point, and y’all know how I feel about gratuitous slapping of female characters. Surely now that we’re in the 1980s we’ll see less of this (please? I hope?)

Completely hypothetical cultural reference points: Dominic’s good ear caught another tonal sequence, from “Nobody Does it Better,” for the door to the Identigraph room.

Superficial Thing that did not Amuse Me: What was up with all the pistachios? Was this movie sponsored by some pistachio trade group?

Superficial Thing that highly Amused Me: Oh, so many. Q in the confessional booth and “Margaret Thatcher” were probably my favorites.

Interesting and possibly dubious thing I learned from Wikipedia: Blondie came thisclose to doing the theme song. WORST MISSED OPPORTUNITY EVEEEEER. Here’s their take on it.

Martini rating: Six martinis

Administrative information concerning this viewing:
Drinks consumed: Sam Adams winter lager
Food eaten: Black bean soup and cornbread
Viewed on: November 17, 2013
Viewing Partner: Boyfriend, Cat, Sasha Holiday, Dominic LeFihre*
*Not her/his real name. All my viewing buddies are getting Bond-girl/Bond-baddie aliases.

I was braced for a terrible movie after hearing how awful Moonraker was, but I honestly didn’t think it was as bad as the rap it gets. The notes I wrote for Moonraker were less than helpful – a couple pages of random quotes without context but very few notes on the actual content of the movie. Hmm. So as a result, this review is going to be half-baked. Sorry folks!

Plot in twenty words or less: Unlike the last movie where the baddie wanted to start an undersea colony, this one wants a MOON colony.

How it’s aged: On the one hand, it feels semi-recent because of all the blatant product placement (Steinway! Marlboro! Seiko!) but there are still some pretty ridiculous scenes, like the one where James is shocked! by a woman with the title of Doctor. Come on, was that really still a shocker in 1979? I guess this is the space industry we’re talking about, since only one female astronaut had gone into space by the time Moonraker came out.

Something that was just weird and/or WTF y’all: Why does Bond even allow himself to be strapped into contraptions operated by another person? He inevitably brushes close up to death every time something like this happens. You’d think he’d learn, but NooooooooOOOoooo he got into that stupid flight simulator. Of course. 

Obligatory feminist commentary: Didn’t take a lot of notes on this. See above re: female astronauts.

Completely hypothetical cultural reference points: The doorbell ring sounded like the tonal-pattern  from Close Encounters of the Third Kind – which came out two years before. (Also, not a hypothetical point, as Spielberg gave permission for this use).

Superficial Thing that did not Amuse Me: The puns seems to be getting worse with each Roger Moore film: “Why did you hurt my python?” “I discovered he had a crush on me.” Look, I love a terrible pun now and then, but this is getting excruciating.

Superficial Thing that highly Amused Me: I loved the gondola/hoverboat combo.

Interesting and possibly dubious thing I learned from Wikipedia: The cable (for the cable car) that Jaws bit through was made out of licorice. Yum!! 

Martini rating: Four martinis

Administrative information concerning this viewing:
Drinks consumed: Forgot to note it down.
Food eaten: Also forgot to note it down. Oops.
Viewed on: November 10, 2013
Viewing Partner: Boyfriend, Cat, Sasha Holiday, Dominic LeFihre*
*Not her/his real name. All my viewing buddies are getting Bond-girl/Bond-baddie aliases.

The Spy Who Loved Me was slightly more coherent in its storytelling than The Man With the Golden Gun – though it was still full of holes and unexplained threads (the microfilm story sort of fell apart, and what exactly did Stromberg have to gain from everyone having to live underwater?). However, I enjoyed this movie much more because of the landscapes, a much-improved Bond girl, a fantastic henchman in the character of Jaws, and shades of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service storytelling.

One thing I noticed – when Triple-X ran down her knowledge of Bond, she mentions he was married once. Again, we return to the eternal question – is Bond a pseudonym associated with the 007 identity (therefore the Bonds between the series are not necessarily connected), or is he a continuous character? My money is on the same dude.

Plot in twenty words or less: The villain plans to sink Earth’s continents as part of his maniacal vision to make everyone live under the sea.

How it’s aged: Although there were some seriously 70s aspects to this movie – the disco music while skiing and the Lotus Esprit – this Bond didn’t feel as dated as others. I can’t quite put my finger on why, but this was the first Bond movie that felt like it could have plausibly been made very recently, save for some of the bad green screen effects, the portrait of Lenin in the Moscow office, and some of the clothing. My guess for this is based on several reasons.

The first is that even though James Bond still had his womanizing tendencies intact, there was much less overt misogyny than in recent Bond movies. Second, the scoring felt more contemporary – and I noticed a lot of classical music was used compared to previous Bonds. Third, as my friend Dominic noted, the film was very color-saturated and highly atmospheric. Did the departure of Harry Saltzman have anything to do with it? After reading Blog, James Blog’s review, I think Scott’s note about EON not being able to use much of Fleming’s story is a really good observation – this had to factor in as well. Scott’s brilliant retelling of the impact of Jaws on the movie industry may also explain why this Bond simply feels so different.

Something that was just weird and/or WTF y’all: I thought there were fewer WHAT?! moments in this movie compared to previous Bonds – maybe due to less overt racism and sexism? So that’s a good thing. I am still confused by how one takes a train from Egypt to Sardinia. Perhaps through the train ferries?

Obligatory feminist commentary: Agent Triple-X was his equal in many ways, and didn’t play second fiddle or a dumb bimbo the way several recent Bond girls did. One of my favorite Bond girls in a long time. Plus, her dresses were pretty damn fantastic. This movie did have some teenage boy moments, like when the guy on the submarine caught a glimpse of her taking a shower. However, this felt pretty benign compared to a lot of recent Bond shenanigans.

Completely hypothetical cultural reference points: Dominic called this one early on – the music box used by Agent Triple-X played Lara’s Theme from Dr Zhivago.

Superficial Thing that did not Amuse Me: I’m sort of getting tired of the very formulaic ending of many Bond movies up to this point – some big vessel/ship/thingamabob captures a smaller vessel. The passengers are taken prisoner in some isolated warehouse/nuclear reactor/factory and overseen by guys in orange/red/white uniforms (and they always have a monorail!) while they have 3/4/5 minutes to prevent final destruction of the US/UK/Russia. Meanwhile, the baddie is torturing/imprisoning Bond/the Bond girl in his evil mancave/lair/den while some other poor sucker gets eaten by piranhas/sharks.

On second thought, maybe I just need to get over my irritation and embrace it. I watched the Moonraker trailer and it seems like a snake gets introduced into the final sequence so, variety, I guess?

Superficial Thing that highly Amused Me: Let’s be honest, that hookah rifle was pretty awesome. So was the pocket microfilm reader, and Bond’s label-maker/telex watch. Glad to see some good gadgetry back in this movie, because it means I get to see more of Q, who I find adorably cranky.

Interesting and possibly dubious thing I learned from Wikipedia: Stanley Kubrick advised aspects of stage lighting during a secret visit to the set.

Martini rating: Five martinis

Administrative information concerning this viewing:
Drinks consumed: New Belgium 1554 & Leinenkugel’s Snowdrift Vanilla Porter
Food eaten: Vegetarian chili & cheese straws
Viewed on: October 27, 2013
Viewing Partner: Boyfriend, Cat, Sasha Holiday, Dominic LeFihre*
*Not her/his real name. All my viewing buddies are getting Bond-girl/Bond-baddie aliases.

Ugh, this might be my least favorite Bond movie since Diamonds Are Forever. I really should have written this review as soon as we finished watching the movie, because the storyline was so incomplete but also forgettable. I had to ask Boyfriend what went down in the movie so I could try to remember (usually I take pretty copious notes during Bond-viewing, but even my 3 pages of notes didn’t really help) some details as I sat down to write this review. Boyfriend saw my pathetic attempts at recapping the plot, so he made a guest contribution below. Also, it turns out that our flying car dreams may have a promising future.

Plot in twenty words or less: There is a golden gun. And a laser. A FLYING CAR. Plus, Sheriff J.W. Pepper.

Plot in twenty words or less, as told by The Boyfriend: Bond tracks down a hit man and ends up having to recover stolen solar energy technology.

How it’s aged: This movie has a lot of WELCOME TO THE 70s moments, perhaps most embodied by the shot of the minimally-covered derriere at Bottoms Up.
Something that was just weird and/or WTF y’all: Tying up Nick Nack on the mast of a ship was the cherry on top of a total WTF sundae of lots of things related to his character. One of our viewers was like, THAT NAME? REALLY?

Obligatory feminist commentary: Goodnight is officially the worst Bond girl so far. I have a foreboding sense the Bond girls are going to go downhill for the next several movies, but I really hope I’m wrong. The butt-kicking school girls who fought off dudes twice their size at the Generic Asian Martial Arts Lodge were pretty awesome, though.

Completely hypothetical cultural reference points: Between this movie and the last, there is definitely a whiff of the Dukes of Hazzard’s “General Lee bridge jump” going on anytime J.W. Pepper is in a car chase scene.

Superficial Thing that did not Amuse Me: The way they tossed the kid from the boat was really not cool

Superficial Thing that highly Amused Me: J.W. Pepper’s temper tantrum about not buying a Thai elephant souvenir because “It’s like the Democrats”

Interesting and possibly dubious thing I learned from Wikipedia: Christopher Lee was Ian Fleming’s step-cousin

Martini rating: Three martinis

Administrative information concerning this viewing:
Drinks consumed: Red wine
Food eaten: Spiced nuts
Viewed on: October 12, 2013
Viewing Partner: Boyfriend, Sasha Holiday, Dominic LeFihre*
*Not her/his real name. All my viewing buddies are getting Bond-girl/Bond-baddie aliases.